It started with a bout of insomnia. I have never been what you call a good sleeper. My mom can regale you with stories of sleepless nights before any big life event, which ranged from the first day of school, to finals, to the season 2 finale of Buffy (spoiler warning: I think I'm still traumatized from Buffy killing Angel and then running off to be a waitress). Needless to say my first year on my own was fraught with varying levels of stress and sleep was not my friend. As such, I took to watching HSN at night to try and lull myself to sleep. Instead I developed a love affair. Had my credit card had a limit higher than $500, I probably would have developed a shopping addiction as well; as it was, I only ever bought one necklace and my only Heidi Daus ring came as a present from M., who bought herself one as well. After about a year of falling asleep to the pleas to call-in before they ran out of Heidi's latest exquisite elegance infinite sparkle oval ring the seed was planted. It took root a year later when I joked about it with D., whose immediate reaction was: "Oh dear god, you would." This was said with real dread, as I think she feared letting me loose on the masses - after all I was responsible for every single impulse buy in her closet, which were numerous. Between my Midwestern charm and love of spending other people's money I was notorious for having to know how much I could talk someone into spending before going shopping with them. And so I was off and running. A quick visit to the website showed that they were hiring and that proved it was meant to be...I'd soon be moving back to Florida and making $80k a year. I.Would.Be.Rich&Famous!
But first I had to create the audition tape. It just so happened that my old roomie K.R.'s boyfriend was a videographer on the side and he agreed to help out. For moral support, K.R. came along as well as D. and M. While my videographer/producer spent an hour trying to figure out how to make our apartment not appear slanted (the building was falling down and no amount of adjusting made the ceiling appear other than what it was), the ladies helped me run lines from my carefully crafted script and advised me to throw in some ad lib. Within minutes of what would become 2 hours of filming, I made my live audience move into M's room as they made me too nervous. Nevertheless I persisted. Following their advise I went off script in take after take, at one point I told the viewers that they never knew when they may need a dress for a New Years Eve party (spoiler alert: every NYE!). Finally, my very patient producer called cut and assured me he had enough footage to put together the final video.
We went to a celebratory dinner and assured of my soon-to-be fame and financial status, I bought a round for my lovely audience and videographer/producer, which I am pretty sure is the only payment he received for this whole thing. He then spent days editing this video into what would become a masterpiece that clearly showcased why I was MEANT to be a HSN host. I confidently mailed the audition CDs out and waited for my new career to come calling. Each night as I watched HSN, I wondered which slot I would get...probably the evening jewelry slot as I was sure that they would be dazzled by my sales pitch of my grandma's amethyst ring. I imagined my life in Florida, I'd buy a Honda Pilot and get my own place in St. Pete, enjoying a luxurious commute to Tampa every day and still a short drive to my parent's place. I wondered what it would be like to have my hair and makeup done each morning, and most importantly what would the employee discount be like?!
After a couple weeks I started to get nervous, why weren't they calling to fly me down to Florida for an in-person audition?! And then it came. A little post card thanking me for applying and letting me know that they would keep my CD on file for future opportunities. I was crushed. It was obvious what the problem was, I was too young. Heidi would feel threatened by my youth, I'd make those biddies look like the grandmas they were by comparison. I stopped watching HSN, I couldn't bear to see what could have been and never would be. And in what can only be attributed to the resilience of youth, I bounced back almost immediately and found my new calling. I applied to grad school and within the year I started at NYU's Silver School to get a Masters in Social Work, but that is a story for another time. For now, please enjoy a portion of the masterpiece that was my audition to HSN, and remember to always follow your dreams...no matter how harebrained they may seem.
But first I had to create the audition tape. It just so happened that my old roomie K.R.'s boyfriend was a videographer on the side and he agreed to help out. For moral support, K.R. came along as well as D. and M. While my videographer/producer spent an hour trying to figure out how to make our apartment not appear slanted (the building was falling down and no amount of adjusting made the ceiling appear other than what it was), the ladies helped me run lines from my carefully crafted script and advised me to throw in some ad lib. Within minutes of what would become 2 hours of filming, I made my live audience move into M's room as they made me too nervous. Nevertheless I persisted. Following their advise I went off script in take after take, at one point I told the viewers that they never knew when they may need a dress for a New Years Eve party (spoiler alert: every NYE!). Finally, my very patient producer called cut and assured me he had enough footage to put together the final video.
We went to a celebratory dinner and assured of my soon-to-be fame and financial status, I bought a round for my lovely audience and videographer/producer, which I am pretty sure is the only payment he received for this whole thing. He then spent days editing this video into what would become a masterpiece that clearly showcased why I was MEANT to be a HSN host. I confidently mailed the audition CDs out and waited for my new career to come calling. Each night as I watched HSN, I wondered which slot I would get...probably the evening jewelry slot as I was sure that they would be dazzled by my sales pitch of my grandma's amethyst ring. I imagined my life in Florida, I'd buy a Honda Pilot and get my own place in St. Pete, enjoying a luxurious commute to Tampa every day and still a short drive to my parent's place. I wondered what it would be like to have my hair and makeup done each morning, and most importantly what would the employee discount be like?!
After a couple weeks I started to get nervous, why weren't they calling to fly me down to Florida for an in-person audition?! And then it came. A little post card thanking me for applying and letting me know that they would keep my CD on file for future opportunities. I was crushed. It was obvious what the problem was, I was too young. Heidi would feel threatened by my youth, I'd make those biddies look like the grandmas they were by comparison. I stopped watching HSN, I couldn't bear to see what could have been and never would be. And in what can only be attributed to the resilience of youth, I bounced back almost immediately and found my new calling. I applied to grad school and within the year I started at NYU's Silver School to get a Masters in Social Work, but that is a story for another time. For now, please enjoy a portion of the masterpiece that was my audition to HSN, and remember to always follow your dreams...no matter how harebrained they may seem.
