February Fresh

January was rough. It was slog. I wish I could pinpoint what exactly was so draining on my soul, but all I can say is that it took a toll. I normally bounce back after the holidays, reinvigorated with the prospect of a clean slate and rejuvenated from the break. I feel fired up to set new intentions to be a better person. But this year, it felt like I was dragging in the weight of the old year and overwhelmed by the prospect of having to do it again. It was tough. 

As I felt this weight, I tried to counter it. I repeated my sankalpas. I tried self care. I talked to friends. I focused on all the positives. And at the end of the day I was exhausted. Work was not ideal, those new boundaries were blurry. Christmas was not the break I had anticipated. And I couldn't bring myself to find the fresh start I was so looking for in 2019.

As the month started to wind down, I stopped denying what I was feeling or trying to talk myself out of the funk and instead acknowledged that January sucked. In accepting the sucktacticness I started to feel a bit of the weight lift off and I decided to start looking to February as the real start of the year. I couldn't go back to the beginning of January to get that fresh perspective, but I could begin again with the next month. But what was I going to do with that clean slate? Because what I was doing at this point was clearly not working.

I started with work. Complaining and rehashing all the crap was not helping. Neither was trying to black out those negatives with the positives. I needed to start changing my perspective - yes there were things that sucked, but these were proving to be opportunities for me to grow as a leader and as an employee. I love learning new things, and this was certainly an opportunity for me to learn about myself and how to be a better boss. Bingo. As the last week of the year ticked away I finally started to feel the negative energy slip away. Miraculously, those boundaries I had been trying to put in place for months also started to fall in place. I didn't feel bad coming in at 9 instead of 8 when I could, nor did I feel resentful if I had to stay past 7 - because I knew I could sneak out early the next day. 

February first arrived with a blanket of snow. During my morning chat with my parents, we talked about my brother's impending fatherhood - a major stress point over the holidays and another piece of the January slog - I looked around at the layer of clean white and focused on that fresh start. I remembered this meme about checking to see if someone has the mental capacity before you unload on them; and I realized I didn't have the emotional bandwidth for this. I had been so focused on setting work boundaries, I hadn't even thought about my emotional capacity in my personal life. I am lucky enough to have amazing parents, who immediately understood that while I support them, this was not something I could wade into with them. Presto. Boundaries fell into place with ease.

From there, the rest of the pieces began to fall into place. It wasn't as if all the problems I had been dealing with were solved, but they did feel manageable again. As the month has worn on, my self-care tactics have once again started working. I Marie Kondo'ed my bathroom after a particularly long week. I've got a new Sunday routine - starting my week with positive vibes in lieu of a dreaded countdown. I restarted my regular workouts. And I set-up dates with people I love and haven't seen in awhile. The world finally feels like it has tilted back on its axis.

2019 may have had a rocky start, but it was a good reminder that from time to time we have to reassess what works and find a new rhythm. And all in all, I think I have a good feeling about the dance we have begun.