My Life is Mine

In November I listened to the most powerful and relatable speech I've ever heard. If anyone hasn't yet had the pleasure of listening to Tracee Ellis Ross' speech at Glamour's 2017 Women of the Year Summit, go listen. Now, like right now. because it is wonderful and it will also give you context for this post.

The first time I had someone question me about being a single woman was when I was 27. It was my first week in DC and at my job and a co-worker asked why I moved away from my boyfriend, "didn't I want to get married and have kids before it was too late?" Yes, that really happened. In fact, it happened three times in my first week here. I love so much about DC, but DC is still the South, and the mentality here was (and is) different than New York. The idea that, at 27, the clock was already ticking down on my 'use-by-date,' and that it was actually acceptable to say something about it was baffling to my NYC-minded self. And after 6 years, and countless iterations of this conversation, it still is. The fact that my not being married or having kids is something that people in DC believe that they have a right to comment on - either warning me that time is running out or consoling me that they know lots of people who never got married and are still very happy - still boggles my mind.

However, after watching Tracee's video I realized - it's not a DC-thing and not just a thing that I face. It is a woman thing. My single male friends in their 30s are bachelors, not spinsters. No one tells them that they better get on this marriage thing. No one tries to assure them that it "isn't them, they just haven't met the right person" or that "they could still live a very fulfilled life as a single man," because it is alright for men to live their life however they choose. Because men get to choose. But if a woman is single, it clearly can't be by choice- it must be something out of their control. I call bullshit. I'm not married because this is the life I chose. And getting married and having kids, was not a priority for me in my 20s, and to be frank - still isn't. 

Last year a lot of pieces of my life came together and I had this stunning revelation about my life: I love it. I love everything about it. I have worked damn hard to build this life and the people I have chose to have in it, and I feel so satisfied with who I am, where I am, and where I am going. I don't know exactly where I will end up, but I love the path I am on to get there. I feel strong, and secure, and fierce in that knowing. And from that revelation, came another: marriage is not my end goal. Despite being told that it should be quite a bit over the last 6 years, that is not what I am working towards. What I am working towards is a fulfilled and happy life. One where I enjoy what I do, I enjoy the people in my life, I get to see the world and have new experiences, I enjoy my time with myself, I make a difference, I laugh, I cry, and I live. I don't care if this life involves a marriage certificate and a white picket fence or not. This doesn't mean I am against that life, it just means that I am not limiting myself to that picture of happiness. If I end up meeting someone who I fall in love with and who will be a partner to me and me to him, then by all means - Yes! That life will be a wonderful tapestry that we will build together. But, if instead I live my life as a single woman, who when it is right dates someone (I am looking at you Mr. Italian chef who makes me pasta and takes me to Italy), and when it isn't, enjoys her life independently, then that too will be a wonderful tapestry. Marriage isn't the end goal for me. The end goal for me is the beautiful tapestry I am making and being proud of it. 

When I listened to Tracee talking about her life being hers, I felt like she was pulling the words from my soul and blasting them out to the world. My life is mine. Who I share, or don't share, it with is my choice and doesn't define me and certainly doesn't get to define my success or failure. They are merely threads that get woven into whatever life I chose to live. My life is mine and I am so in love with it.