Mr. Had Many Women

In the movies blind dates end up being a misadventure between a mismatched duo - usually in a mistaken setup by friends, a computer, or a random twist of fate - that ends with them falling madly in love. In my life, the story goes a little more like this. 

After our weekly managers meeting, my Ukrainian co-worker tells me that she needs to speak to me. We get to my office, she closes the door, and with no preamble says, "So are you single?" After the affirmative, she tells me that she wants to set me up with a friend of her husband and begins to describe him: "He works at the EPA - he is quite successful, he is well-traveled, he is athletic, he is funny, he is close with his family, he is very handsome." Sounds like a catch right?! I'm totally in. 

And then she continues...."I don't know how old you are, but he is 45. Don't worry though, he doesn't look it. For years my girlfriends meet him and want me to set them up, but I say no. He was too much the player. Over the last year though, many things have happened - his brother dies - and so he is now much more mature. When I saw him last, I ask him - 'So you ready to settle down?' and he says yes. So now, now I set him up. He may be 45, but I promise you, he is very good looking. And when I say good looking, I mean he has had many women. But no more. So you are interested, yes?" After a statement like that, how could I not be? "Set it up!" 

I think she worried that I was going to back out, and so she sent me his LinkedIn profile that afternoon. Turns out she was not lying - he did not look 45, and he was quite handsome. I obviously shared this story with all my nearest and dearest, who quickly dug up his Facebook profile, which confirmed that the tiny picture on LinkedIn was not an aberration, he was indeed handsome. Facebook also confirmed that he was well-traveled and also featured a bevy of beautiful women. He HAD had many women. This was turning out to be a great start to my first blind date.

I must have passed his LinkedIn test as well, because within a week he had my email address and we were setting up our first date. Because we are both annoying DC-ites we ended up having to plan two weeks out, which I made even more interesting by chopping my hair back to a pixie. To be fair, I did mention to my co-worker that I was thinking of doing this, to which she responded by once again closing my door and having a long talk with me. This time she explained to me that it may have been awhile since she dated, but some men prefer long hair and maybe I should consider holding off until after the date. She also told me that I should always be the one to end a phone call with a man - apparently she read it in a book somewhere - and she is now married and I am not, so I should really take her advice to heart. I am still unclear of the correlation here, but either way I didn't listen to her advice. Upon seeing me the next day - post haircut, I got another lecture about how I had now shattered Mr. Had Many Women's expectations. I nodded solemnly and assured her that I would let him know in advance about my new appearance so that he wouldn't be shocked. I don't think she appreciated my levity. 

The big date happened to be the first night of the firm's Partners' Retreat, so I had a full plate all day and barely had time to worry if my new shorn locks were going to be a turnoff to my would-be suitor. I did remember to shoot him a message in the morning letting him know about my change in appearance and advising him that should he have any concerns about recognizing me, I would be the one in a blue dress. (Fingers crossed no other redheads with short hair showed up in a blue dress, what would he do?) And suddenly it was zero hour and I was headed from the Retreat to the big date, the restaurant was around the corner from the office and I was walking back with a couple of other co-workers, which is when I discovered that they all KNEW. I got some winks and nudges and suddenly, what had been a lark in my mind and a hope for a fun blog post, became a story that I was going to have to report on the next morning. Oh god, what had I done?! No turning back now, I had to slip on my heels and walk into that restaurant.

Turns out, I was the only redhead in a blue dress and he immediately spotted me and waved me over, and it also turns out that my co-worker was not kidding. This man was a unicorn. He was honest to God, one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen. I have some healthy self-esteem, I am a solid 8; but this man, this man was an 11. He did not look 45, he could easily pass for 35. He was smart, he was funny, he was well-traveled, and spoke multiple languages. He was heavenly. And there was zero spark. Zip, zero, nada. But putting that aside, I was on a date with a dreamy 11, so there was no way I was going to let that stop me. I pulled out all the charm and our drinks turned into dinner down the street, which was where I went wrong. I should have stopped while I was ahead, because my exhaustion from the retreat started to settle in and the lack of chemistry gradually become apparent - the conversation lost what little sizzle it had and by the time we split a burger it was clear that there would be no second date. We settled the bill and by this time it had started to rain, so we decide to grab ubers home. As we stood under the awning of the restaurant waiting for our respective cars, it occurred to me that if a woman is lucky she will get a chance to go out with a unicorn once, maybe twice in her lifetime, so who knew when, or if, this would happen to me again. As my car pulls up, he goes in for the hug goodnight and instead I go for it and plant one on him - I mean I am never going to see him again, and....UNICORN. He, being a gentleman, went with it and then I jog out to my uber satisfied with my evening and smug that I have truly succeeded in my first blind date experience.

Snazzy Socks (or Part II of Sweaty Palms)

Dear Readers - It has been awhile and I apologize for that, but life has a way of throwing the unexpected at us and knocking us off balance. I'm not ready to tell that story yet, so for now you will have to settle for the long overdue conclusion to Sweaty Palms & Weak Knees from April.

We left off with me meeting Lawyer P. for our first date, and what a first date it was. This was the kind of first date that you see in the movies, where two strangers sit down and the next thing you know 5 hours have passed and the bar is shutting down. We talked about everything - embarrassing stories from our youth, dreams, passions, family - everything except the usual DC dating fodder: jobs and politics. It was lovely and refreshing. He asked me out as we said goodbye and we had our second date at a trampoline park the following Monday. Once again, the date was one for the books. Nothing like playing tag on trampolines and jumping into a foam pit to give you a sense of fun that is so often lacking in the standard DC dinner and cocktails. We were getting a blizzard that night - so the place was deserted and our cab ride back to DC was like driving through a snowy dreamscape. We got a late dinner in one of the few restaurants that was open and talked for hours. Our next date was naturally game night where we played Cards Against Humanity, Battleship, Checkers, and Connect 4. I was headed to Vegas the next morning for a conference and we ended up talking into the wee hours of the morning delving deeper into our families and what we wanted out of the world. 

I came back from Vegas sick as a dog and we postponed our fourth date to Sunday. He sent me 6 quarts of chicken noodle soup on Friday night. By Sunday, I was still not 100% but I headed in to meet him for bowling at 8pm - he was fond of the late night dates and since he was coming in from Baltimore I was willing to accommodate. Our conversation was a bit stilted but I wrote it off to me still being sick. After a couple of frames we decided to call it a night and as we put on our shoes I glanced over and said "Snazzy socks you've got on there." He responded with "What do you mean?" I laughed and modeled my own polka dot socks, picked out specifically for bowling alley black lights and said "You picked out snazzy socks to go bowling, like these bad boys!" He paused, looked at me, sighed, and then he told me that he "Just didn't think that this was going to work because it seemed like I was making fun of him." I was a little slow on the uptick, still being sick, and responded eloquently with "Huh?" So he elaborates with "It just felt like you were making fun of me with the snazzy sock comment, and I need someone who is more tender as a life partner." He continued with this diatribe, used the word tender about 10 more times, let me know that he didn't think I cheered enough that night when he got his strikes, and as we said goodbye he cried and hugged me. 

What had been the most intense first three dates I have ever had, ended with the most baffling abruptness I'd ever experienced. After a teary ride home and a couple hours of sleep I woke up to the realization that he was absolutely ridiculous. Lawyer P. was one of those guys you come across dating, who is focused on finding the unicorn of women and expects to know it immediately. But what he is forgetting is that finding your partner in life isn't a race, and the expectation to trust someone enough to spill your deepest darkest secrets in four dates is a bit unrealistic - no matter how much of those four dates was spent talking. Plus, why the rush? If you are the 'one,' then we have a lifetime to spend getting to know each other; and if you aren't, then its best I don't share them with you. So Lawyer P., who is forever more known as Mr. Snazzy Socks, I wish you luck in your quest to find that unicorn, but maybe take a deep breath and give things a chance to grow organically rather than force that intimacy so quickly - it is a journey not a sprint!