My Dating Life is a Meme

Yes, I am starting this post out with a meme. But for any of you who have dated in your 30s, never has a truer statement been written and here is why...

This past year of dating has been a weird experience for me, and I say this as someone who has been dating for 18 years. After the big break-up two years ago I waited 6-months and then tried Match, a few of you enjoyed some solid screenshots of the terrible people I was matched with and their terrible and often lewd opening messages. I then gave a couple of the free sites a shot - Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, and even Tinder got almost two full days. As you may recall from 4 Dudes & a Funeral - I went on some first dates, a handful of second dates, and had some solid prospects that were weeded out. After that I did the IRL dating thing for a year, hard to believe that it still happens but it does, and was a perfect way to date while trying to navigate the new role at work. And finally this January, I decide it is time to get back on the eHarmony, only to discover that they changed their platform. Instead of having to move through stages of communication that would allow me to delay and stagger the dates for a week or two at a time, they have set everyone up with direct messaging.

And so it began. I signed on and received an onslaught of matches and messages - everyone wanted to set-up a date right away. As I waded through the first 32 matches, I set-up a couple dates and realized that I was already starting to get overwhelmed and having flashbacks to my first time on the eHarm when I went on 26 first dates in 3-months. My first date was with Mr. Snazzy Socks, which you know how that ends - but at the time it was a near-perfect first date. And this is when I decide, screw the online dating rules, I am going to date one dude at a time. This bucks everything they say about online dating: it is a numbers game so you are supposed to bet on as many matches at once in order to increase your chances that one hits. 

In my new method however, I was hitting pause on all the new matches while I talked to just one - and in the online dating world, by not responding in a timely manner to their onslaught, I was losing my bet with them. Suddenly I didn't have a bunch of horses in the race, I was betting on just one. In a way it was great, I was not juggling multiple dates or trying to remember who went to what university. It was allowing me to focus on each new match that I went out with and gave me a chance to get to know them and ride out the dating time to see if we would or wouldn't take the next step. But it also put me in this new world of the meme. I was now going out with just one person multiple times and that led to questions from people like "So, are you guys getting serious? You've gone out 3 times in the last two weeks..." Which then led to me wondering "Wait, are we dating or are we Dating?" And then there I was, in this new weird limbo where I was forced to figure out exactly how many times do we go out before we add that capital "D" to dating, and from there when do we decide if we are actually "exclusive," and from "exclusive" when do we add "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" to the equation. Who knew that there were so many layers between first date and Commitment with a capital "C" and why didn't they ever tell me?! 

And so, I stumbled my way into meme dating. After 11-months of being a single-target operator - I have to say it isn't the worst. I appreciate the idea of casting a wide net and do think that online dating is designed as a numbers game. But I have spent a long time trying to find a good balance in my life and I fear that going back to the wide net philosophy will disrupt the perfect ratio of friend dates, homebody time, and date-dates that I have finally achieved. Plus, there is something kind of old-fashioned about getting to know one person at a time instead of channel-surfing through a couple people in a week. I get to start a series and if I like it, I can delve in and really enjoy it instead of wondering what else there is to watch. And for better or worse it has led me to discover that dating isn't as black and white as I always thought. There are a lot steps between the first date and commitment, and while being in those in-between stages can be confusing and exhausting, it can also be fun to really delve in and find out why this person is worth all that effort - or more often than not, why they aren't....

Fall-ing Into the End of 2017

How do we have less than two months left in 2017? As I pick out my holiday greeting cards and start my countdown to Christmas vacation, I can't help but take stock of my year so far and what I hope to accomplish yet this year. I looked back at the various posts I have written about my auspicious goals for the year and realize that I have succeeded in many ways, but I can't help but realize that one of my biggest misses has been here. I have promised to be consistent and prolific, yet this fall I have failed. 

As some of you know, August to mid-October were a shaky time for me. At the end of July, I lost Byron two days before my birthday. I have started a post on the ensuing grief more times than I can count. In August, I began what will go down as the shittiest relationship I have ever been in - one that was blessedly brief but involved someone laying their hands on me. I have started a post on the feelings of shame and the fact that it can happen to anyone more times than I care to count. In September, I discovered that there would be an entire overhaul of my department at work - my job should be safe, but what it will look like is unknown. I have started a post on workplace turmoil and the job market dozens of times. In October, Troy got out of prison and entered my parent's life again. I have started a post on what this means to me and defining family more times than you can count. 

Now we are in November. Most of these things are steadier now. I have survived the loss of Byron. I survived being in an abusive situation - something that I never thought I'd have to deal with. I am surviving the shifting at work and the idea that Troy will be at the Christmas table. As I look towards these last weeks of 2017 I realize that I may not be ready to delve into these full stories, but I can still start the tale. I will write the full posts and take you on these journeys, but for now I can tell you that they happened and I am still here and still committed to you and this blog. 

I feel stronger now than I did when I jubilantly started July and was looking down the second half of the year. I made it through the other shoe dropping and am now looking forward to wringing the last bit of everything out of 2017 - I can't wait to do a fabulously fancy Friendsgiving next week, to do some damage at Black Friday shopping, to hit up the holiday parties the week after that, and then to head down to Florida to spend some quality time with K. & G. and then lounge with the dogs and my parents. Kind of like those resolutions I made for the year, 2017 wasn't all successes; but neither was it all failures and I intend to have it end on a high note and to try and wring out a few more wins in those last few weeks. And so my dear readers, I am back and you better be ready for some more stories to take you into 2018, because I have been saving them up!